i feel so tired of everything, i just want to stop functioning. okay, i made myself sound like a controlled machine. but to think about it. its a fact. for the past 14 years of my life, i've never lived my own life. it has always been people living it for me. the worst thing is i can't getout of all these. i know it's wrong, but i want to run away from everything- commitments like friends, family, GOD. it's all demanding too much from me. and i know i have my own limits. why can't people accept me for who i am, and not how they think i should be? is it too much i'm asking for? is it very hard to do that? Sometimes i think i've given up on myself, not being able to fufill others expectations. but the only reason for me to look as if i'm still up and going is that i hate to disapoint the people who love or "love" me. I've put up a false front for too long a time, and i've had enough of that. i'm not even given my own personal space. i feel like i'm in between hell and waiting to enter hell. like i'm trapped within this enclosed area, with invisible bars that i can't feel but yet they are closing in tighter by the passing second. i need to be somewhere i can get to know myself, because i don't even believe in myself now. i don't know me. and the thing is that, i don't think anyone's there for me. it's just me facing everything. and now even crying seems hard to me. because i finally know that it won't make all these go away. i can't seem to find my way out; i can't do anything; i can't put up with people telling me "its gonna be okay" because it won't; i can't seem to put it in words anymore. i just don't know how anyone would understand, or even bother to understand. now, my only "escape" is my fantasies.and i can't tell anyone what going wrong in my life, because i can't tell. i can't say it. it only furthur reminds me of the fact, and i'll just be more depressed about it. and i don't know what it is too. i fantasise that time will stop. and i can actually have the time to not do anything at all. maybe just staring at the clouds. or breathing in deep breaths of air, and with every breath i can forget all these. perhaps just even feeling the wind against my cheek. but still, my fantasies will always stay my fantasise. can't say they are dreams because some dreams do come true and i know it'll never happen for me.
i fanatsise.
